This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Pooping to opera.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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