Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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