I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
