I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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