6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
