plz talk dirty to me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
