Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
