I murdered the dance floor call the cops
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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