Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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