i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
