whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
