He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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