is your mom at the bar?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
