hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
