update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
