just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
