i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
