just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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