there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
