A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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