I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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