I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize