The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
