No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize