2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
