Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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