Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
