just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
All the doctor said was why
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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