I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
