im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
