He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
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