i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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