oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
