I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
