Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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