so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
