Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
