my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
