my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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