u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
