Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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