Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
