your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize