if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
