After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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