I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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