my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize