$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Randomize