In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
