I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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