Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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