I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
