we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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