i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
