You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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