I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
