I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
