remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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